


AskShanker.com

by ChillyHollow



Category: Cormoran Strike Series - Robert Galbraith
Genre: Advice, Bad Advice, Gen, Humor, Relationship Advice, Sexual Humor, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:21:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23787019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChillyHollow/pseuds/ChillyHollow
Summary: Totally irresponsible advice for the lovelorn.  Contains mature themes and objectionable language (hey, it's SHANKER)A follow up to Stake Out.https://archiveofourown.org/works/23637865The title for Shanker’s relationship advice column was created by the amazingly talented hobbeshalftail3469(Please don’t tell Strike about this.  We don’t want him mad at Hobbes.  Or me.)
Relationships: Shanker & Cormoran Strike
Comments: 17
Kudos: 25





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hobbeshalftail3469](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobbeshalftail3469/gifts).



**Having trouble with the opposite sex?Relatives causing issues?Not to worry.Shaker’s here to help.Ask your questions!**

_A friend’s husband has a Tinder account.Should I tell her?_

Help her set up her own account then she can swipe him.It’s more fun to nail him that way.And as we all know, fun’s what Shanker is all about.

_My ex wants us to be friends._

That’s code for “I like having you drool over me.”Find a better class of friends.

_I’ve been having an affair with this man for three years and he still won’t leave his wife._

He’s past the sell by date.Dump cheating losers after 30 days max.

_My girlfriend wants to get married but I’m not ready._

What part of “run away” don’t you understand?

_My girlfriend talks to a close male friend at work each day.Should I be worried?_

Not at all. You should be screwing around on the side, too.

_I want to leave my wife for someone else but I’m afraid she’ll get the house my parents left me._

Make sure the someone else you are fucking is the best lawyer in town.

_My boss and I are very attracted to each other but we are afraid to take the relationship further._

Work is more important to you than a good lay? You need to reassess your priorities.

_I met this man through a dating website and now he doesn’t want to continue the relationship._

So?Go find someone else. There are sixty-eight million people in Great Britain and half of them are looking.Half of those are your preferred sex so there are 17 million choices in one country alone.Good odds if you ask me.

_My mother-in-law is the Bitch from Hell._

Then don’t have her over.

_The nanny my husband hired is too young and pretty.Did I say she was hot and likes to party?_

Text me her number.

_I dumped my ex for cheating on me and she got engaged to someone else two weeks later.How do I get over her?_

I’ll share the hot nanny’s number with you.Threesomes fix anything.

_My boyfriend proposed and I said yes but I found out he’s still on all the dating sites._

Is your boyfriend exceptionally lazy?If he hasn’t gotten around to cancelling his accounts, just log on as him and change all the passwords.If your boyfriend is not lazy, but keeping his options open, make sure you are gifted the biggest diamond on the planet before you dump his ass.You can pawn it for a very nice vacation on the Costa Del Sol.I’m available after the first of May.

_My girlfriend’s mom doesn’t like me._

So?Unless you are also sleeping with GF’s mom, why do you care?Come to think about it, if you ARE sleeping with GF’s mom as well, I salute you, brother.

_My boyfriend is being transferred to Brussels and I don’t want to move there with him._

Then don’t.

_My ex told me I’m not marriage material.How do I get over that and move on?_

I suggest an orgy.Nothing boosts the morale more than a couple of drinks and wild sex with strangers.If you aren’t marriage material, embrace it.

_My wife is boring in bed.How do I spice things up?_

Mustard. Hot sauce doesn’t work.Trust me on this.It BURNS.

_My boyfriend dumped me and I got engaged to someone else to make him jealous.It didn’t work.What do I do now?_

Third time’s a charm.Dump the fiancé and go find a third sucker. 

_My boobs are too large._

They are only too large if they suffocate your partner during sex.Otherwise they are perfect.

_My former fiancé is visiting our home town with his new girlfriend.How do I handle this?_

Totally shit faced.

_Two men have proposed to me. How do I choose?_

Which has the most cash?Marry that one and cheat on the side with the other. 

_My little brother gets loud and obnoxious whenever I have friends over.How do I get him to calm down?_

Tranquilizers.If you want to make it more sporting, use those animal tranquilizer guns.You and your friends can hunt him down and dart him.

_My girlfriend has the hots for her boss. How do I get her to leave her job?_

Make her choose.And look for a replacement GF.

_I dumped my boyfriend and he’s found someone else. How do I get him back?_

You only want someone if they don’t want you?What happened to your self-respect?

_My husband took me on a nice Caribbean vacation and caught me with a cabana boy.He’s forgiven me but I still have these “urges.”What should I do?_

Don’t get caught next time.

_The kids are driving me nuts.How do I take a break from parenthood?_

Dump ‘em on the relatives for a week and take your honey to Majorca.Or a swinger party.

_My husband is mad at me for accidentally showing him naked when I was doing a work videoconference at home._

Take up a collection at work.Either they’ll pay you to not show him again or pay to view the tape over and over.He can buy himself that new motorbike he’s been wanting with the proceeds. 

_I hooked up with my best friend’s guy when we were both drunk.Was that wrong?_

Only if you didn’t have a good time.

_How do I know if my co-worker likes me?_

Proposition them, preferably after a few drinks to loosen you both up.If they say yes, they either like you or are really drunk.If they say no, you already are drunk and won’t care.Win-win-win.

_A few days ago I left for work, leaving my husband home watching tv.After going only a few miles the car stalled and died and I had to walk home.When I got there I discovered my husband in bed with the next door neighbor.Can you help?_

If a car stalls after being driven only a short distance, first check to make sure there’s no debris in the fuel line.If it’s clear, check the hoses on the intake manifold.If they seem ok, look at the connections to the battery.These should be firmly screwed down.If none of these solve the issue, have the fuel pump checked to make sure it isn’t faulty as it may not be pushing enough gas vapor into the injectors.

**Shanker will be back shortly with more relationship advice after he serves a short jail sentence due to a misunderstanding involving a stolen car that happened to be packed with illegal narcotics and that was also speeding.“The speedometer was broken, Your Worship.I didn’t know I was going 123 km/h.”  
**


	2. AskShanker.com Some More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that our relationship advice columnist has returned from his mini vacation at Her Majesty’s finest, please forward all questions to him care of the nearest billiards hall.
> 
> (Because we need a laugh right now.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to the folks who submitted questions to Shanker. Much appreciated!

_It burns when I pee....what should I do?_

Always be responsible and wear a rubber.Then you wouldn’t be in this fix, wanker.

_I find my co-worker really attractive but I am too old and battered for her. What should I do to get her attention?_

There’s a reason all so-called romantic restaurants have candles and low lighting—all black cats look alike in the dark.Don’t get naked until the lights are out.

_I’m cheating on my wife but it’s making me a better husband._

[rolls eyes]

_I married the only man I’ve ever slept with and now I want to know what I missed.Is that wrong?_

[rolls eyes again]

_Is the man I’m cheating with lying to me like he lies to his wife?_

Duh

_My boyfriend forgot to mention he has multiple girlfriends.What do I do?_

Let it slip that your last boyfriend had a slight accident involving his dick and a sharp kitchen knife when he annoyed you. 

_My daughter has a totally inappropriate job.How do I get her to quit it?_

Controlling parents are fun to watch!It’s so not going to happen.

_My boyfriend wants me to dye my hair strawberry blonde...should I go along with his request?_

Dyed pubic hair’s a turn on.Go for it.

_I just had twins and all I want to do is run off with the pool boy._

If you just fucked twins and now are lusting after the pool boy, he must be something special.

_My boyfriend wants me to tell him my secret fantasies but they are all about my boss._

Time to make up some fantasies, love.Or dump the BF and seduce the boss. 

_My child pulls annoying faces which spoil family photos, what should I do?_

Bribes.Offer the little monster cash for each acceptable family photo.If they make faces, they forfeit the pound notes. Us boffins call this operant conditioning. 

_Do I need to stop sleeping with random guys?_

Only if you are entering a nunnery.They don’t go for that stuff.

_What can be used as an acceptable mixer when you run out of soda, tonic and ginger ale? ( the answer of course is Berocca...a vodka and Berocca is perfect on many levels!)_

Anyone who blends a vitamin-mineral supplement drink with booze is committing an offense against nature.Only drink liquor straight.

_My best friend cheated on his girlfriend, covered it up, and doesn’t care._

Neither do I.

_Is it so bad to snoop on your partner’s phone?_

Only if you get caught. Then you are going to be real sorry real quick.

_A girl I slept with revealed she’s married after we did it._

Always better to know.Next time keep an eye out for hubby as you screw her.

_My boyfriend sounds like a dying elephant during sex.Is there anything I can do to shut him up?_

Gaffer tape.

_My girlfriend is sleeping with my best friend.How do I handle this?_

Head to the local building supplier and purchase a one meter length of stud work timber.Take this to best friend’s house and apply to his head about thirty times.If there isn’t a suitable hardware store in your neighborhood, you can substitute a cricket bat.Dump the girlfriend.

_I hooked up with this guy and discovered he was live streaming us snogging to 40 other people._

Next time try giving the camera a running critique of his technique, taste in clothing, size of his dick, his bald spot, etc.The live streaming will end faster than you can say, “Shanker, you are a genius.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to add your own Shanker-isms in the comments below. I suspect I've only scratched the surface when it comes to bad advice.


End file.
